We Can’t Even With Ansel Elgort Right Now

In an instant, Ansel Elgort went from being that ridiculously cute young actor we all adored to, well … a creep.

Since a topless photo shoot and a belly button ring were clearly out of the question, the ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ actor had to take the Nick Jonas route of announcing he is totally a grown-ass adult and wants to be treated as such … by talking about things like sex and losing his virginity.

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Like, are we supposed to be surprised that this handsome young man is doing it? Because we’re not. But the age that he started getting frisky definitely caught us off guard.

He confessed that he lost his v-card at age 14 — and both he and his partner “had no clue” what they were doing. Y’know, because they were teenagers.

“I didn’t even make the lighting good," he said. "That’d be the one thing I’d do differently. It was, like, fluorescent, bright bedroom light, like, over the covers.”

Literally our reaction reading this whole thing.

We’re sorry — WHAT?! We get it, the light can set the tone in the room, and fluorescent lights can be very, very unforgiving. But who was he losing his virginity to, Kim Kardashian?!

You weren’t shooting a porno, dude — you were bumpin’ adolescent uglies… There’s nothing you can do to make that awkwardness any sexier.

Granted, homeboy didn’t grow up on conventional porn. His father is a professional photographer — who had nude portraits, in the house, because ~art~.

Don’t worry ladies, he’s legal.

“I loved going to his studio. I’d disappear into his darkroom for, like, an hour, looking for all the boobs I could find,” he explained.

Sometimes, though, he wanted, like, real moving girls. And since his father has not yet figured out how to frame GIFs, he would just watch from an uncomfortable distance admire the dancers at his performing arts high school.

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“If you’re like me and you love dancers, you just have to walk up to the eighth floor and you can get one,” he said (please keep in mind he’s talking about real human women, not new shoes or a pet rock…)

Oedipus Ansel continued that his mom was a dancer, so, naturally, he found dancers super attractive: “I love when a girl is like, ‘I can’t hang out. I have to go to class.’ And I go pick her up and she’s all sweaty in a leotard with her hair in a bun. That’s the hottest thing ever.”

Does he mean temperature-wise? If so, yes, we agree. Just the thought of that has us shvitzing.

All this talk about girls and sex and whatnot, you may be tempted to think Ansel’s a player, but it’s very, very important that all his future girlfriends know he’s not (no disrespect to his current girlfriend, but he literally said, “If someone I’m monogamous with reads this, I don’t want them to be upset if it sounds like I’m a playboy.")

His logic for monogamy is good — we’re paraphrasing, but it’s basically, why run around having bad sex with a lot of people if you can have great sex with someone you enjoy — and if you’re not freaked out by all of this, he basically gave you explicit instructions on how to be the next girl of his dreams.

“But if you can find a girl who you can go to an EDM concert with, have a conversation with, who will sit on the couch and watch you play [Grand Theft Auto] for three hours — and then you go to bed and have amazing sex? That should be your girlfriend.”

Ah, yes. Young Ansel is all grown up — but his fantasies are not… BRB, we’re going to take a shower.

If you read all of this and somehow want to hear more of Ansel’s thoughts on sex and women, head on over to Elle.com for the full interview.