’90 Day Fiancé’ Star Ashley Martson Admits She Still Loves Jay Smith as She Reflects on 2019

She’s had quite the year. 90 Day Fiancé alum Ashley Martson took to Instagram on Sunday, December 29, to reflect on 2019 ahead of New Year’s Eve. But as TLC fans know, the reality star has been through lots of ups and downs this past year after she split from her ex, Jay Smith, and filed for divorce for a second time. Ashley, 33, admitted that 2019 was a “tough” year for her and that she still loves her ex, but she also shared a message to fans who may be experiencing similar difficult times.

“This is as raw and real as I can be. I’m fighting the tears just typing this. This year has been tough. This photo was taken accidentally the night of my birthday party in New York City. We had just split and I filed for divorce for the second time,” she captioned a selfie of her crying with her makeup running.

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She went on to explain that on the night of her birthday party, Jay, 22, “showed up,” unannounced. “We were civil and had an appearance the next day, so it was okay. He said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ He had drinks and hung out with his friends. As I walked out the door and got in the Uber with @ritzy_rina I just lost it. The tears came pouring out. It was the moment I knew … I knew I failed. I failed my marriage, myself, my children,” she continued.

Ashley said it felt like her heart had broken “into a million pieces.” She explained that since she had been bottling up all of her emotions at the time, they all just came pouring out as she cried in the back of an Uber with her best friend. The Pennsylvania native added that she had never in her life experienced hurt or pain like she felt that night.

“I’m not blaming all this on him. That’s not why I’m posting this. I just want men and women to both know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry it out. It’s okay to not be strong all the time. It’s okay to fail. What’s not okay is to let it destroy you. You can, and you will, get back up and begin to pick up the pieces. To this day, I still hurt. I still love him,” she added. ” I just have come to terms with the fact it’s over and I’m gonna be okay. So all of you who are struggling, please know these feelings are temporary and you will get back to yourself. Time truly does heal wounds. There is no more Ashley and Jay. I’m leaving this post with the final time I speak on us or our marriage. It’s about to be a new year and I’m ready to start a new chapter and not look back.”