Allison Holker revealed how she discovered the depths of late husband Stephen “tWitch” Boss‘ drug addiction following his suicide in December 2022 at the age of 40.

“I was with one of my really dear friends, and we were cleaning out the closet and picking out an outfit for him for the funeral,” Allison, 36, told People in an interview published on Tuesday, January 7.

Hidden inside one of his shoeboxes, the professional dancer found a “cornucopia” of drugs that included mushrooms, pills and “other substances I had to look up on my phone,” she told the publication.

“It was a really triggering moment for me because there were a lot of things I discovered in our closet that I did not know existed. It was very alarming to me to learn that there was so much happening that I had no clue [about],” Allison explained. “It was a really scary moment in my life to figure that out, but it also helped me process that he was going through so much and he was hiding so much, and there must have been a lot of shame in that.”

Allison was aware that her husband of nine years used marijuana and alcohol, saying he would go to their guest house after their kids went to bed to unwind. “That was his alone time. It was his time to recharge, and that was OK,” she explained.

At the time of his death, Stephen was concluding both his stint as the longtime DJ on The Ellen DeGeneres Show as well as serving as a judge on Fox’s So You Think You Can Dance.

“We were getting ready for this big year. It seemed like, ‘Oh, he’s taking a resting period,’ which he would say he’s never had,” Allison recalled.

The Minnesota native went on to reveal that she went through Stephen’s journals following his death, where he alluded to being the victim of childhood sexual abuse by a male figure.

“He was wrestling with a lot inside himself, and he was trying to self-medicate and cope with all those feelings because he didn’t want to put it on anyone because he loved everyone so much,” Allison said. “He didn’t want other people to take on his pain.”

The So you Think You Can Dance alum has written a memoir about her healing journey titled This Far: My Story of Love, Loss and Embracing the Light, which comes out February 4.

Stephen and Allison appeared together in 2010 on SYTYCD as all-stars. They married on December 10, 2013. Stephen adopted Allison’s daughter Weslie, and they went on to have two children of their own. The couple welcomed son Maddox in March 2016, and Alllison gave birth to daughter Zaia in November 2019.

Allison reported to the Los Angeles Police Department on December 13, 2022, that her husband had left their home without his car, noting that this was strange behavior for him.

The day prior, Stephen checked in to the Oak Tree Inn in Encino, California. After he didn’t check out the following day, the hotel manager and housekeeping staff discovered Stephen in the shower, unresponsive with an apparent gunshot wound to the head. Paramedics were called and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

Stephen’s autopsy revealed the late choreographer had no drugs or alcohol in his system at the time of his death, according to the autopsy report obtained by In Touch. The popular dancer died as the result of a gunshot wound to the head.

If you or someone you know is in emotional distress or considering suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).